To preface the preconceived hostility of this post, it's currently 32 degrees and a legit blizzard in Chicago. it's also the middle of April. Chicago weather is about as inconsistent as your ex's mood swings when you ask her if she's mad or where she wants to go for dinner. So while your newsfeed is currently being bombarded with Coachella pics of staged Ferris wheel photo ops in warm weather with bedazzled hats and Molly induced happiness, what better excuse to rag on one of the greatest music festivals of our time?
Are people at Coachella unfamiliar with Ferris wheels?
I've seen about 79 Ferris wheel pictures this weekend on instagram. Have people at Coachella not heard of the Ferris wheel? Arguably one of the most cliche representations of favorable childhood past times? I'm sure there's at least one picture of you somewhere in your early adolescence at a Ferris wheel at Six Flags or some random shady parking lot in some self proclaimed small town carnival in the suburbs. You've got to imagine that a festival grossing over $114 million dollars has created some other, more iconic landmarks for an instagram driven weekend. But nope, flower walls can get f*cked, people are here for pics with that low budget carnival ride. Thankfully we can replicate this exact photo-op landscape right here in Chicago! Disregard a little snow, just put on a flower crown, pop a Molly and stand on your balcony overlooking navy pier. add to story. done.
We're just here for the food.
After an insomnia induced night of some 3am Instagram stalking and somehow landing on an uncomfortable ASMR food page, I recently learned about the AMAZING food menu at Coachella. Uncertain about the amount of people at this event actually consuming these food items though. I've seen the minuscule clothing options and BMI of majority of the audience here and uncertain these high calorie dishes pair well. not exactly room to hide your trouble areas in a crochet crop top. Perhaps more of a hungover day 3 option? Diuretics and Molly are probably a more realistic choice for day 1-2 if we're being honest? (regardless of what they portray on their instagram stories) Nonetheless, I've shamelessly saved an absurd amount of these food posts this weekend like I'm somehow going to magically appear in LA and try them all. dream big. tell my ex I'm still on Keto, thanks.
Bandz a make her dance...or is that Molly?
Probably both. no judgement, but 3 day passes are like $400 for general admission so...
"Spontaneous" overpriced outfits (you've had picked out for 6 months.)
The saying "less is more" holds true here when it comes to amount of clothing you're wearing. Coachella is probably every pre pubescent 12 year old boy's dream come true. A ton of half naked women walking around a desert in bras and glitter. I don't even think shoes are a requirement here, let alone a bra support system. You're feeling yourself until you see an Influencer or D List celebrity walking around wearing the exact same outfit you have and looking way better knowing that they had a full hair and makeup team while you were left alone in your tent using your compact mirror and natural sun light to attempt to contour your face. Humbling experience. Bloggers looking better in the same REVOLVE clothing you purchased that they got for free along with 12 additional outfits just to tag on instagram. Straighten up that flower crown baby girl. fix those weird henna bedazzled gem things on your arm and face, and enjoy this 3 day experience! (or atleast portray that on instagram for your 724 followers!) we're back here bitter AF in Chicago amidst a blizzard.
Fake it until you make it.
It's like people at Coachella don't even realize that I can just crank up the heat in my Chicago apartment, French braid my hair, blast Zedd, take molly in a flower crown and post tons of obnoxious pics of the Ferris wheel at navy pier to my instagram story. I can even purchase an absurd amount of over priced clothing on FREE PEOPLE that I have no intention of wearing after this weekend. Maybe order high calorie food on grub hub that I have no intention of eating? My options are literally endless. But I'll be sure to reiterate just how much fun I had on all social media.
Stay warm Chicago,
XOXO,
Liz
