awkward.

I was not a cute child. I don't mean that as a stereotypical girl looking for attention or seeking some type of unfulfilled validation, (like when a girl says she's fat and is waiting for someone to say "omg no you're not at all! you're soooo skinny Rebecca!!!") No. Trust me. I get it. I've seen cute children. I was just not one of them. I'm sure my parents assumed I was going to have a great personality the second all 9 pounds 2 oz of me was born. For those of you that don't know, that's a f*cking huge newborn child. haha (my mom is sure to remind me)  Before I continue, let's take a little trip down memory lane so I can show you where I'm coming from so you're no longer assuming I'm this entitled white woman fishing for compliments with photos of my youth.


Photo 1: That's me on the right with muffin top of the face. Even after this photo, my parents still refuse to ever admit I was a homely child. (apparently more concerned about my confidence level rather then my BMI) My sister, the cute blonde on the left, is 2 years older than me and we are wearing the exact same size clothing. 

Photo 2: Contrary to popular belief, no I was not having an allergic reaction.  Another great photo op really highlighting that muffin top of the face. great skin though. 

Photo 3: Always been great at candid photos. Again with the same size clothing. Naturally I made my skirt high waisted for a more flattering fit.

 

Photo 4: When I really wanted to use this photo of my grandparents for my elementary school family tree project but I had terrible camel toe so my mom cropped it out.

 

Photo 5: When I got really into ancestry after the family tree school project so my mom had a sweatshirt made with our family crest on it. Verdict is still out on the accessory choices here. 

Photo 6: When you have your baptism at 10am but your gastric bypass surgery at 11am.

Photo 7: My head is larger than my Dad's. I'm three. 

 

Photo 8: Clearly not a top choice with the extended family as we have all the prints left. Lots of wallet options. Assuming my Mom is responsible for those bangs and probably very soon after realized hairdresser was not in the cards for her. Contrary to popular belief, I was not suffering any type of allergic reaction or unknown peanut allergy at this time, just my natural look and face shape. Riveting 

 

Photo 9: Again in the same size clothing as my sister with a two year age gap. Surprised no one was eager to take these wallet sized photos as we have plenty.

Photo 10: One of the only times I dressed like a girl as a toddler so my parents have this picture framed everywhere in the house to give the illusion I was a cute child. This was most likely church or someone's funeral. Clearly a stranger to crossing my legs in a dress. 

Photo 11: Reality. I look like I own a chain of Honda dealerships.

Photo 12: When I wanted the same haircut as my mom. did not pair well with my tom boy phase.

Photo 13: When I denied giving myself bangs.

Photo 14: Great photo op Dad. Also great idea putting your daughter in chinos and a "can I speak to the manager" haircut. 

Photo 15: When that breast milk too good.

Photo 16: Lap Band Surgery Candidate since birth. Also gross, I know, we're wearing white after Labor Day. 

Photo 17: Uncertain why we're dressed like the Duggars from 19 kids and counting. 

Photo 18: This looks like a photo they'd use if we were on forensic files or some low budget crime documentary. Safe to assume we're wearing the same size clothing 

despite the two year age gap. 

Photo 19: I remember making my mom take this photo of me because I thought I looked really good here. haha Narcissist since birth.

Photo 20: 8 X 10 of this framed in our house growing up to further give the illusion of a cute child. Apparently didn't hit my goal weight for this shoot judging on the fit of the dress on me vs my sister. 

Great. glad we're all on the same page now. 

It's always awkward when you meet or see a photo of a friend or coworker's newborn baby. You're obligated to tell them how beautiful they are when in all honesty newborns are not cute. I don't care what weird swaddled acrobatic karma sutra looking position you try to put them in for your photo shoot, they all kind of look like little aliens when they're fresh out the womb. Don't get me wrong, children are the greatest gift, honestly incredible, and I can't wait to be a mother down the road, I'm just being honest about how they look straight out the placenta after 9 months. Based on my childhood photos I'll for sure have ugly kids with a great sense of humor. Prayers they get their dad's genes and he was some child prodigy baby Gap model or has some lineage to the Gerber baby. I have a feeling my children will need all the help they can get if they follow in their mother's footsteps. Because no ones going to tell you if your baby's ugly. Even if it really is. It's kind of like when someone gets a bad haircut and they ask if you like it. What are you gonna say? No? go back? Bangs were an awful choice? Are you perhaps going through a midlife crisis we're unaware of? No. you can't say any of that...you have to lie. Just like that homely child the girl from your college had too soon. You're still going to comment "omg she's so precious!" on that latest instagram pic. 

Awkward Situations 

FINISHING THE REST OF THIS POST TONIGHT!  

XOXO, 

Liz

Also...can you guess who these Chicago babes are?

Hurry Up To Wait - An Unapologetic Rant about Chicago Traffic

First off, whoever is in charge of these electronic message signs (VMS, I googled it) on I-90 is seriously going through some heavy sh*t right now. How about just "Have a great day!" after telling me how many minutes late I am until I get to the loop. I just don't know if these death Haikus are really resonating well with the audience. Last year we literally kept a daily number count of annual car crash deaths in the city like we were striving to reach a goal. I think we're currently tallying drunk drivers.  Look, I'll use my turn signal and talk-to-text and won't ride the shoulder or squat in the express lane, it's just...I don't know if this is the morning motivation we're looking for on our 6am commute. Maybe it's time to rethink that career choice, poetry is not for everyone. Other signs just seem like a middle aged white women who abuses the privilege of updating her facebook status after a glass of wine. there was one that seriously just said  "hey look up here, now that we have your attention, don't drive drunk!" On a positive note, whoever was in charge of these in June last year must've upped his dosage because he had some pretty good ones about Star Wars (obvious topic choice for someone who actively sought out a career in traffic lights) bring him back this summer! We're not driving drunk at 7:30 am so let's maybe refrain from these DUI ones at sunrise on a Tuesday. also I don't know how to disable that seatbelt beeping noise in my car either, so check me off for that one. know your audience Chicago.

Here are some of the best we've seen (send yours if you got them!) 

Be there in Five

To preface this, I am always late. The amount of things I think I can accomplish in five minutes is embarrassing and in all fairness, physically impossible. A girl telling you she'll be ready in 5 is equivalent to Google maps telling you you'll arrive in 5 when you're in standstill traffic on the Kennedy. The optimism of Google Maps destination time during rush hour is a new level of lying to yourself. I'm all for a positive outlook and a semi enabling mentality, but let's be realistic here, this is Chicago. I'm lucky if my car moves at all on I-90 in 5 minutes, let alone arrive at my destination. But thank you for the constant reminder that "you are still on the fastest route" Game over if there is a lane ending ahead and you need to merge down into 2 lanes. add an hour. Also, it's 2019 can someone please teach Google Maps how to pronounce Chicago street names?!?!

Urlacher Monopolizing the Billboard Market

Whoever is in charge of Urlacher's hair transplant marketing campaign and saw it fit to monopolize the entire billboard market on I-90 should really rethink their career choice. I just feel like if you're in the market to cure your male pattern baldness, a billboard on the Kennedy isn't going to be what convinces you. I can only imagine that strategy meeting went something like, "so think billboards, but all of them. you'll have hair." and he was sold. But good for him to turn his early retirement and receding hairline into a paycheck. he takes a lot of heat though, did you ever think you'd hear so many people say "you look better bald" but hey, it's like when brunettes want to be blondes, or your ex gets a girl pregnant and marries her, you always want what you can't have. Also, imagine being a part of this photo shoot. Please advise what you're going for her sir. I've only seen ten of these billboards all across Chicago so far today. we need answers.

Humbling Drivers License Photos at the DMV

Whoever is in charge of taking Drivers License photos at ANY of the DMV locations in the Chicago land area really needs to rethink their career choice. Can you zoom out. I literally look like "Face" from Nickelodeon. Maybe let me see it before we immediately go to printing, or take more than one photo and don't just tell me "it looks like you, that's exactly what you look like." But appreciate you humbling me after I waited in line for 45 minutes with more ropes than the airport. Prayers people think it's a fake when I try to get into Tao on a Saturday night. Bloggers with pussy whipped boyfriends are getting hundreds of photos to choose from for their next instagram post, and I'm getting a single shot at the terrible lit DMV praying my eyes are open and the goal weight I listed on my license seems believable. The only thing their certain to get in this terrible photo opportunity is all of your pores and your entire forehead.  Also, let me just tell you that this does not happen in other states. My Michigan ID was literally airbrushed status and I have friends from out of state who could legit use their ID photo as a Linkedin headshot. F*ck, they could use it for a Bumble profile photo. The best one I've seen is a Texas ID. Literally looks like a pageant headshot for a 3 year old on Toddlers and Tiaras. But as always, thank you for keeping us humble Chicago.

Drive Safe today Chicago,

XOXO,

Liz