Overheard In Chicago: awkward.

I was not a cute child. I don't mean that as a stereotypical girl looking for attention or seeking some type of unfulfilled validation, (like when a girl says she's fat and is waiting for someone to say "omg no you're not at all! you're soooo skinny Rebecca!!!") No. Trust me. I get it. I've seen cute children. I was just not one of them. I'm sure my parents assumed I was going to have a great personality the second all 9 pounds 2 oz of me was born. For those of you that don't know, that's a f*cking huge newborn child. haha (my mom is sure to remind me) Before I continue, let's take a little trip down memory lane so I can show you where I'm coming from so you're no longer assuming I'm this entitled white woman fishing for compliments with photos of my youth.

Photo 1: That's me on the right with muffin top of the face. Even after this photo, my parents still refuse to ever admit I was a homely child. (apparently more concerned about my confidence level rather then my BMI) My sister, the cute blonde on the left, is 2 years older than me and we are wearing the exact same size clothing.

Photo 2: Contrary to popular belief, no I was not having an allergic reaction. Another great photo op really highlighting that muffin top of the face. great skin though.

Photo 3: Always been great at candid photos. Again with the same size clothing. Naturally I made my skirt high waisted for a more flattering fit.

Photo 4: When I really wanted to use this photo of my grandparents for my elementary school family tree project but I had terrible camel toe so my mom cropped it out.

Photo 5: When I got really into ancestry after the family tree school project so my mom had a sweatshirt made with our family crest on it. Verdict is still out on the accessory choices here.

Photo 6: When you have your baptism at 10am but your gastric bypass surgery at 11am.

Photo 7: My head is larger than my Dad's. I'm three.

Photo 8: Clearly not a top choice with the extended family as we have all the prints left. Lots of wallet options. Assuming my Mom is responsible for those bangs and probably very soon after realized hairdresser was not in the cards for her. Contrary to popular belief, I was not suffering any type of allergic reaction or unknown peanut allergy at this time, just my natural look and face shape. Riveting

Photo 9: Again in the same size clothing as my sister with a two year age gap. Surprised no one was eager to take these wallet sized photos as we have plenty.

Photo 10: One of the only times I dressed like a girl as a toddler so my parents have this picture framed everywhere in the house to give the illusion I was a cute child. This was most likely church or someone's funeral. Clearly a stranger to crossing my legs in a dress.

Photo 11: Reality. I look like I own a chain of Honda dealerships.

Photo 12: When I wanted the same haircut as my mom. did not pair well with my tom boy phase.

Photo 13: When I denied giving myself bangs.

Photo 14: Great photo op Dad. Also great idea putting your daughter in chinos and a "can I speak to the manager" haircut.

Photo 15: When that breast milk too good.

Photo 16: Lap Band Surgery Candidate since birth. Also gross, I know, we're wearing white after Labor Day.

Photo 17: Uncertain why we're dressed like the Duggars from 19 kids and counting.

Photo 18: This looks like a photo they'd use if we were on forensic files or some low budget crime documentary. Safe to assume we're wearing the same size clothing

despite the two year age gap.

Photo 19: I remember making my mom take this photo of me because I thought I looked really good here. haha Narcissist since birth.

Photo 20: 8 X 10 of this framed in our house growing up to further give the illusion of a cute child. Apparently didn't hit my goal weight for this shoot judging on the fit of the dress on me vs my sister.

Great. glad we're all on the same page now.

It's always awkward when you meet or see a photo of a friend or coworker's newborn baby. You're obligated to tell them how beautiful they are when in all honesty newborns are not cute. I don't care what weird swaddled acrobatic karma sutra looking position you try to put them in for your photo shoot, they all kind of look like little aliens when they're fresh out the womb. Don't get me wrong, children are the greatest gift, honestly incredible, and I can't wait to be a mother down the road, I'm just being honest about how they look straight out the placenta after 9 months. Based on my childhood photos I'll for sure have ugly kids with a great sense of humor. Prayers they get their dad's genes and he was some child prodigy baby Gap model or has some lineage to the Gerber baby. I have a feeling my children will need all the help they can get if they follow in their mother's footsteps. Because no ones going to tell you if your baby's ugly. Even if it really is. It's kind of like when someone gets a bad haircut and they ask if you like it. What are you gonna say? No? go back? Bangs were an awful choice? Are you perhaps going through a midlife crisis we're unaware of? No. you can't say any of that...you have to lie. Just like that homely child the girl from your college had too soon. You're still going to comment "omg she's so precious!" on that latest instagram pic.