First off, whoever is in charge of these electronic message signs (VMS, I googled it) on I-90 is seriously going through some heavy sh*t right now. How about just "Have a great day!" after telling me how many minutes late I am until I get to the loop. I just don't know if these death Haikus are really resonating well with the audience. Last year we literally kept a daily number count of annual car crash deaths in the city like we were striving to reach a goal. I think we're currently tallying drunk drivers. Look, I'll use my turn signal and talk-to-text and won't ride the shoulder or squat in the express lane, it's just...I don't know if this is the morning motivation we're looking for on our 6am commute. Maybe it's time to rethink that career choice, poetry is not for everyone. Other signs just seem like a middle aged white women who abuses the privilege of updating her facebook status after a glass of wine. there was one that seriously just said "hey look up here, now that we have your attention, don't drive drunk!" On a positive note, whoever was in charge of these in June last year must've upped his dosage because he had some pretty good ones about Star Wars (obvious topic choice for someone who actively sought out a career in traffic lights) bring him back this summer! We're not driving drunk at 7:30 am so let's maybe refrain from these DUI ones at sunrise on a Tuesday. also I don't know how to disable that seatbelt beeping noise in my car either, so check me off for that one. know your audience Chicago.
Here are some of the best we've seen (send yours if you got them!)
Be there in Five
To preface this, I am always late. The amount of things I think I can accomplish in five minutes is embarrassing and in all fairness, physically impossible. A girl telling you she'll be ready in 5 is equivalent to Google maps telling you you'll arrive in 5 when you're in standstill traffic on the Kennedy. The optimism of Google Maps destination time during rush hour is a new level of lying to yourself. I'm all for a positive outlook and a semi enabling mentality, but let's be realistic here, this is Chicago. I'm lucky if my car moves at all on I-90 in 5 minutes, let alone arrive at my destination. But thank you for the constant reminder that "you are still on the fastest route" Game over if there is a lane ending ahead and you need to merge down into 2 lanes. add an hour. Also, it's 2019 can someone please teach Google Maps how to pronounce Chicago street names?!?!
Urlacher Monopolizing the Billboard Market
Whoever is in charge of Urlacher's hair transplant marketing campaign and saw it fit to monopolize the entire billboard market on I-90 should really rethink their career choice. I just feel like if you're in the market to cure your male pattern baldness, a billboard on the Kennedy isn't going to be what convinces you. I can only imagine that strategy meeting went something like, "so think billboards, but all of them. you'll have hair." and he was sold. But good for him to turn his early retirement and receding hairline into a paycheck. he takes a lot of heat though, did you ever think you'd hear so many people say "you look better bald" but hey, it's like when brunettes want to be blondes, or your ex gets a girl pregnant and marries her, you always want what you can't have. Also, imagine being a part of this photo shoot. Please advise what you're going for her sir. I've only seen ten of these billboards all across Chicago so far today. we need answers.
Humbling Drivers License Photos at the DMV
Whoever is in charge of taking Drivers License photos at ANY of the DMV locations in the Chicago land area really needs to rethink their career choice. Can you zoom out. I literally look like "Face" from Nickelodeon. Maybe let me see it before we immediately go to printing, or take more than one photo and don't just tell me "it looks like you, that's exactly what you look like." But appreciate you humbling me after I waited in line for 45 minutes with more ropes than the airport. Prayers people think it's a fake when I try to get into Tao on a Saturday night. Bloggers with pussy whipped boyfriends are getting hundreds of photos to choose from for their next instagram post, and I'm getting a single shot at the terrible lit DMV praying my eyes are open and the goal weight I listed on my license seems believable. The only thing their certain to get in this terrible photo opportunity is all of your pores and your entire forehead. Also, let me just tell you that this does not happen in other states. My Michigan ID was literally airbrushed status and I have friends from out of state who could legit use their ID photo as a Linkedin headshot. F*ck, they could use it for a Bumble profile photo. The best one I've seen is a Texas ID. Literally looks like a pageant headshot for a 3 year old on Toddlers and Tiaras. But as always, thank you for keeping us humble Chicago.
Drive Safe today Chicago,
XOXO,
Liz
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