Ghosting him like Google Maps on Lower Wacker

First off, Columbus found America on accident, so let’s relax with saying everyone understands directions, or how compasses work, or which way is East, or where the f*cking Lake is, ok?

When I say I'm bad at directions, I don't mean that in a stereotypical girl playing dumb, looking for attention "silly me" way. I mean it in the sense that I genuinely have no sense of direction and natural selection would have had its' way with me if I was born in any other generation before Google Maps. Geography has never been a strong point of mine, so if you’re easily annoyed by listening to someone complain about something that’s “so simple” to you, then by all means feel free to stop reading now, Einstein.

Ghosting him like GPS on lower wacker. 

It’s all fun and games until you’re on lower wacker and your GPS has an absolute mental breakdown and abruptly ends things like a high school boyfriend who got caught cheating. I did some research (and by that I mean I googled it) to see if there’s anything in the works to improve this. I found a few articles that all had the same info. All super excited like it was free healthcare, stating that in August 2018 Waze and SpotHero installed over 400 beacons along lower Wacker to help improve cell reception. Only take away from this is you need your bluetooth on, it’s still pretty sh*t reception, lots of angry comments from uber/lyft drivers and no further articles have been written addressing this concern. Safe to say, this issue has not been fixed at this time. 

Grid System

I get it, it’s a grid. But if I’m on Michigan Ave, my initial thought process is never, you know what this reminds me of, a checkers board, perhap a gingham dress shirt. No,  I’m like, this looks like Michigan Avenue, perhaps we can grab a Garrett’s popcorn tin on our way out. On that note, so I’m not forever listening to Google Maps in my airpods, (see what I casually did there haha)  I decided I’d finally learn it. After mentally telling everyone to f*ck off while reading each article’s opener telling me how easy and simple it was to learn, here’s what we got.  

“Chicago is laid out like a grid with the epicenter being at Madison and State. Each street is then labeled North, East, South, and West based on their relation to the heart of the grid system. The address, or coordinate, at Madison and State is 0/0.

From there, each city block address rises in increments of 100. Two blocks north of Madison and State would be 200 North Madison and so on and so forth.”

Which way is the lake?

To be fair, Chicago has the third largest amounts of sky scrapers in the entire United States. Unless I’m about to set sail or on Lake Shore Drive, how necessary is using the lake as a reference point? Why can’t I focus on other landmarks visible to me? Like RainForest Cafe or that weird strip club next to Prysm that is somehow still in business. What value is utilizing the lake that’s 7 city blocks away when 7-11 is right on the corner. I love that these instagram worthy wall murals are getting popular because they’re great reference points. “turn left after the avocado wall.” done. simple. Also, can someone please tell my dad to stop saying “Go West at ____ street.” It’s just annoying both of us, and even google maps is confused. I have no compass, I’m not out here trying to determine if the sun set’s in the east for my hours of sunlight to tend to my crops. Only person utilizing this information is realtors to up charge that gorgeous high rise.  I'm sure a lot of people born and raised in Chicago probably cringed reading this. But as a transplant, (who almost failed 9th grade geography) I owe a lot to google maps. (I love this city.)

Have a Great Day Chicago! Keep your location settings and bluetooth on!

XOXO,

Liz

Also, big shout out to our favorite people at Happy Camper for liking our quote so much they put it above their emergency exit hahaha We love you guys! If you haven't already, I highly recommend checking out Happy Camper. Pizza is amazing, awesome drinks and atmosphere, (lots of instagram worthy photo ops and neon signs) and just overall great people!  They're actually opening up a second location in Wrigley soon too! 

Check out Happy Camper

St. Paddy's Day in Chi Town

"Can't Drink All Day if You Don't Start in the Morning" 

...and other lies I tell myself on St. Patrick's Day as my alarm goes off at 6am.

March in Chicago is the best. It's that awkward time between "chiberia" and "summertime chi" where the weather is more inconsistent than your feelings towards your newly serious semi-boyfriend. Shamrock shakes are back, March Madness is on, we're dumping 45 pounds of green dye in the river as an excuse to get absolutely hammered- it's the best. It's probably the only time Guiness ever gets any love, (when have you ever gone out, not in Ireland and thought, you know what sounds good, a pitcher of Guiness. it's no joke probably your total caloric intake for the week.) but hey, why not mix it with Jameson and baileys and chug it before it curdles at 7am! what better way to start your st paddy's day off on an empty stomach!   

It's always hard to wake up early on a Saturday.  But when you're 21-23 and your $20 eventbrite St. Patrick's day bar crawl ticket is "first come first serve" starting at 6am, you've got decisions to make chief. So set 4-5 alarms on that cracked iPhone 7, find some cliche "feelin lucky" shirt on amazon prime and get ready for a day full of green beer and loose women visiting from out of state. (that most likely want to make that slogan on your shirt a reality instead of sleeping on their friend's blow up mattress.) 

 Dumping 45 pounds of green dye into the river? Sounds like an excuse to drink in Chicago.

 

Truthfully, I've never physically watched the river get dyed green on St Patrick's Day. (I know, I know...) I've always seen it after and I love it, but hear me out. I'm typically hammered by noon at some overpriced club I've been at since 7am and I'm pretty sure I'll see it on 95% of your instagram stories acting like you've never seen an oil spill before. Probably some "Luck of the CHIrish" caption that your 47 year old aunt will think you cleverly came up with on your own. It almost reminds me of people who record fireworks on fourth of July or their turkey on Thanksgiving. I think it's safe to assume we're all recording the same thing. Much like my ex's dating history, I was curious as to how this all started (and not just as an excuse to get hammered in March, but the tradition itself.)  Starting in 1962, the city of Chicago dyed its eponymous river green. The inspiration for the stunt came from pollution-control workers, who used various chemical dyes to trace illegal sewage discharges. The first year, the city dumped 100 pounds of dye into the river, which left it green for an entire week. (yeah that's straight from google, you think I just casually use the word "eponymous" in my day to day life? sit down. haha.) But cheers to drinking to the city's illegal sewage discharge! 

Shamrock Shuffle

People who run 5Ks on major holidays are the absolute worst. My greatest fear is marrying into a family that either makes us take Christmas photos in all matching footed pajamas, or run 5Ks on holidays. I'm all for health and wellness, but not out here trying to run some "Shamrock Shuffle" in the suburbs on the greatest drinking day of the year in Chicago. Trust me, my drunk ass will hit 10,000 steps on my own.  

St Patrick's Day Attire

Let’s take a moment to discuss the attire people electively chose to wear on St. Patrick’s Day. First off, every girl’s go-to is some Irish themed green tank top they got off etsy. And every girl thinks their low cut graphic tee with some obnoxious “feeling lucky?” Or “kiss me I’m Irish” related phrase is witty and beyond original. Please know it was mass produced. (I also have purchased most of these designs, so not calling you out. They’re witty AF and I can’t wait for my ex to see how funny I am!)  Also let’s relax with those little shamrock stickers near our eyes, this is not a 7th grade YMCA dance. Women over 40 should not be sporting any type of attire with glittery shamrocks drawing attention to their chest. (“check out these shamrocks” …maybe in 2005.) Let's maybe also stop making those green arm warmers happen. the look straight off the set of the robber's wardrobe from home alone. is it truly that cold tomorrow that you need to cover only your wrists and palms?  Most men are just content to wear anything that is green, but there are always the few that ran up an $100 bill at RagStop or Tipsy Elves getting the most obnoxious attire that they think everyone will think is “hilarious”. In all honesty, it does make them easier to spot if you drunk lose them at a bar, I doubt there are many men in that vicinity in the same green top hat, orange wig, light up shamrock classes and green overalls. 

Events in Chicago

Click Here to get your Tickets for Chi20something River North Bar Crawl 

Click Here to get your Public House Tickets

Click Here to get your CHIRISH River North Club Crawl Tickets 

Click Here to Get Your CHIRISH River North Club Crawl Tickets OPTION 2

Click Here to Get Your Federales Tickets

Click here to get your tickets for LIQR BOX

Click Here to Check out Hampton Social and Bassment - No Tickets Needed! 

You're going to have a blast here regardless of what you do here, promise! But, if you waited til the last minute and you're stressing about what to do on Saturday, don't worry. you're basically 50% of Chicago. So take a Xanax,  watch one of those weird ass ASMR food videos, and know we've got you covered with a ton of options.  Above are some of our favs, but for more options, (and we've got a bunch!) go to eventbrite.com and search St Patrick's Day Chicago. So have a blast Chicago; Drink too much green beer, drunk text your ex, overuse those little shamrock stickers above your eyes like you're going to an 8th grade school dance, and have a fucking blast in the greatest city that ever was! (not sponsored by Rahm.) 

XOXO,

Liz

Overheard in Chicago