Winters in Chiberia

The current temperature is negative two degrees. As you impatiently wait in your heated lobby you zip up your Canada Goose parka and Screenshot the weekly weather report to your Instagram story with some cliche “Chiberia” hashtag. You put on your oversized fur hood acting as if you’re blistering the cold any further than the distance to your Uber. Your Uber arrives. 4 minutes to your destination. No f*cking way you’re walking. Tomorrow will be 50 degree patio weather and by Friday there will be a windchill of negative twenty. Welcome to winters in Chicago.

Sit down, you’re not Tom Skilling.

What is it about extremely cold weather that makes everyone become a self proclaimed meteorologist? posting thermostats and weekly weather reports on every social media outlet like you’re God damn Tom Skilling. We get it, it’s cold. No need to circle the windchill or dedicate an entire story post to falling snow. Unless it’s some absurd amount, I’m talking like 2 feet of snow, (and not what your ex boyfriend considers 7 inches) there is really no need to post it. We’ve all seen snow. just know you’re wasting precious bathroom time of 99% of the male population who actually watch instagram stories. And they can never get those 5-10 seconds back. 

Take me Back Bikini Pics

As an attention seeking millennial, what better time to re post your favorite edited bikini pic from Mykonos with a “dreaming of warmer weather” caption than during a Chicago blizzard. Might as well utilize this time to flex on your exes in a desperate display of self exploitation from when you were at your goal weight 7 months ago. He doesn’t need to know what your current winter BMI is. This is a season dedicated entirely to oversized sweaters, overeating, new Netflix season premiers and spray tans.  

Squatters Rights

Unique to Chicago, is the “dibs” system of street parking in the winter. “Dibs” is a legitimate but controversial squatters rights type practice based on the principal of if you shovel it out; you have dibs on it, …so you better f*cking find some lawn chairs or old car tires to claim your spot while you’re gone for your 8 plus hours work day you self absorbed narcissist. People refer to this practice as parking spot insurance, no questions are asked. Looks trashy AF when you’re showing your out of town friends the neighborhood you live in and trying to justify the $1900 a month you pay for your apartment that is a fraction of the size of theirs in a different state. 

45 Degrees in February... You mean Patio Season?

If you’re not poolside in your Givenchy slides making brunch plans when that thermostat shows above 40, do you even live in Chicago? 


Stay Warm Chicago!

XOXO, 
Liz