An Undignified Account of Sexting.
I sent my first actual dirty picture when I was a sophomore in college. I was standing on the edge of the tub in a bathroom shared by 6 girls trying to show anything remotely close to cleavage in the mirror above the sink. 70% of the picture was of the shower curtain and honestly our landlord could have probably used the photo when relisting our house on craigslist in search of new tenants. It was by no means sexual. If anything, I probably looked slightly in distress and frankly, the receiver of this semi-nude should have been more concerned.
He gave some barbaric one word response like “damn” or “sexy” and naturally, I responded with a wink face, like I hadn’t just spent the last hour and a half trying to look remotely seductive in a communal restroom with bad lighting. When you stop and think about it, the idea of nudes and dirty texting is seriously such a strange concept. Like oh, you’re not looking for commitment but will graciously send me multiple photos of your flaccid penis that can be saved to my phone’s picture library and family iCloud for eternity and shared with all my friends. Thanks! Let me return the favor with this edited picture of me in a push up bra suggestively looking into the mirror at 7pm on a Tuesday. Let me tell you something, no woman in her twenties is just casually in full makeup and risqué undergarments on a weekday after work. I’m lucky if I still have a bra on at 5pm, let alone mascara.
In my opinion, guys really have it easy. There’s only so much you can do with a penis. No creativity is really needed. Unless you’re an aspiring drag queen or pulling some Silence of the Lamb’s mangina reenactment, you’re typically limited to about 4 poses. I know because I’ve so fortunately been on the receiving end of these photo ops or have had screen shots of them sent in a group chat to immaturely question and gawk over. Please explain the erect penis while cupping the balls in your hands pose?? Did you think we just forgot about your pair of testicles? We all took 7th Grade Sex Ed sweetie. Appreciate the strenuous efforts to hide them, but no need. We all wish they were more photogenic, but this will keep you humble. Also what is the pose where you point at your erect penis in the mirror? Were you uncertain what to do with your hands? Did you think our short attention span was unaware of what we were meant to focus on in this 5X7 photo? Perhaps this can dual function as a testicular cancer awareness campaign. While we appreciate the discerning hint from your pointing gesture, save the obvious clues for something a little less apparent, like your emotions or perhaps if this is going anywhere after 6 months.
Reusing Old Nudes (It's not vintage, it's denial.)
Even if it’s a phenomenal dirty picture from before your metabolism slowed down, you can’t be sending seductive photos while holding a 2014 iphone. (it’s not vintage, it’s denial.) While I’m sure he will recognize your low BMI and bronzed tanning booth complexion, he is most likely also aware you no longer live in a State School dorm room or sleep in that twin bed you’re enticingly posing on. Save the old college pics for a Facebook Throwback Thursday.
#tbt are truly the worst. If you really feel the need to send a general reminder to your entire social medial following of a picture from 6 years ago at your goal weight holding a solo cup in some Frat house’s basement, by all means have at it. But as a general FYI; we get it, you no longer have a social life and you peaked your freshman year of college. I mean I’ll obviously still pity like your photo, might even add an obnoxious comment like “I miss this!” with heart emojis. Just please know that I do not in fact miss this and am most likely only doing this with the notion that this kind gesture will not go unnoticed the next time I post a picture that only has 8 likes after 37 minutes. Narcissist.
Quick Responses. Drastically increase response time with a semi suggestive photo!
If for some God forsaken reason unbeknownst to me I was ever going to use a male for an emergency contact, I would 100% ask if they could include a nude photo to increase his response time. I’ve never seen a man respond faster than after a dirty photo is sent. (I have still yet to send a pregnancy scare text but can assume the response time would be quite similar. That or no response at all.) Perhaps I’ll just send a venmo request for Plan B to keep things interesting. It still blows my mind that a man can be “so busy” or “didn’t have his phone all day” but the second he sees “Attachment: 1” in the subject line, he’s full of conversation. Level with me here, I just asked how your day was, I did not send a “what are we?” text, or question who that girl was that commented on your Instagram picture with emoji hearts on July 9th summer 2016. (I “didn’t even notice”) Believe me, I’m well aware that even though we’re swapping photos of our genitals on a daily basis, we’re still not at that honest point in our relationship. I’m still pretending to be the “cool chill girl” who “doesn’t care” or “isn’t bothered” by stuff like that. Enjoy it while it lasts sweetie. You’ve seen more of me than my gynecologist.
Bondage & Fetishes (is this 50 shades of Grey?)
I’m all for a little raunchy texting, if you like being called “daddy” hell, I’ll put those junior high summer acting camp classes to use and be the best “dirty little whore” you’ve ever seen. But I’m not out here trying to reenact an episode of Law & Order SVU. Telling me you want to choke me or cum on my face is by no means a turn on. I can’t even watch Titanic without holding my breath, the idea of restricting airflow or a potential breakout from your semen is not that arousing, Daddy.
Stay Warm Chicago!
XOXO,
Liz
Overheard in Chicago
An Undignified Account of Sexting.
I sent my first actual dirty picture when I was a sophomore in college. I was standing on the edge of the tub in a bathroom shared by 6 girls trying to show anything remotely close to cleavage in the mirror above the sink. 70% of the picture was of the shower curtain and honestly our landlord could have probably used the photo when relisting our house on craigslist in search of new tenants. It was by no means sexual. If anything, I probably looked slightly in distress and frankly, the receiver of this semi-nude should have been more concerned.
He gave some barbaric one word response like “damn” or “sexy” and naturally, I responded with a wink face, like I hadn’t just spent the last hour and a half trying to look remotely seductive in a communal restroom with bad lighting. When you stop and think about it, the idea of nudes and dirty texting is seriously such a strange concept. Like oh, you’re not looking for commitment but will graciously send me multiple photos of your flaccid penis that can be saved to my phone’s picture library and family iCloud for eternity and shared with all my friends. Thanks! Let me return the favor with this edited picture of me in a push up bra suggestively looking into the mirror at 7pm on a Tuesday. Let me tell you something, no woman in her twenties is just casually in full makeup and risqué undergarments on a weekday after work. I’m lucky if I still have a bra on at 5pm, let alone mascara.
In my opinion, guys really have it easy. There’s only so much you can do with a penis. No creativity is really needed. Unless you’re an aspiring drag queen or pulling some Silence of the Lamb’s mangina reenactment, you’re typically limited to about 4 poses. I know because I’ve so fortunately been on the receiving end of these photo ops or have had screen shots of them sent in a group chat to immaturely question and gawk over. Please explain the erect penis while cupping the balls in your hands pose?? Did you think we just forgot about your pair of testicles? We all took 7th Grade Sex Ed sweetie. Appreciate the strenuous efforts to hide them, but no need. We all wish they were more photogenic, but this will keep you humble. Also what is the pose where you point at your erect penis in the mirror? Were you uncertain what to do with your hands? Did you think our short attention span was unaware of what we were meant to focus on in this 5X7 photo? Perhaps this can dual function as a testicular cancer awareness campaign. While we appreciate the discerning hint from your pointing gesture, save the obvious clues for something a little less apparent, like your emotions or perhaps if this is going anywhere after 6 months.
Reusing Old Nudes (It's not vintage, it's denial.)
Even if it’s a phenomenal dirty picture from before your metabolism slowed down, you can’t be sending seductive photos while holding a 2014 iphone. (it’s not vintage, it’s denial.) While I’m sure he will recognize your low BMI and bronzed tanning booth complexion, he is most likely also aware you no longer live in a State School dorm room or sleep in that twin bed you’re enticingly posing on. Save the old college pics for a Facebook Throwback Thursday.
#tbt are truly the worst. If you really feel the need to send a general reminder to your entire social medial following of a picture from 6 years ago at your goal weight holding a solo cup in some Frat house’s basement, by all means have at it. But as a general FYI; we get it, you no longer have a social life and you peaked your freshman year of college. I mean I’ll obviously still pity like your photo, might even add an obnoxious comment like “I miss this!” with heart emojis. Just please know that I do not in fact miss this and am most likely only doing this with the notion that this kind gesture will not go unnoticed the next time I post a picture that only has 8 likes after 37 minutes. Narcissist.
Quick Responses. Drastically increase response time with a semi suggestive photo!
If for some God forsaken reason unbeknownst to me I was ever going to use a male for an emergency contact, I would 100% ask if they could include a nude photo to increase his response time. I’ve never seen a man respond faster than after a dirty photo is sent. (I have still yet to send a pregnancy scare text but can assume the response time would be quite similar. That or no response at all.) Perhaps I’ll just send a venmo request for Plan B to keep things interesting. It still blows my mind that a man can be “so busy” or “didn’t have his phone all day” but the second he sees “Attachment: 1” in the subject line, he’s full of conversation. Level with me here, I just asked how your day was, I did not send a “what are we?” text, or question who that girl was that commented on your Instagram picture with emoji hearts on July 9th summer 2016. (I “didn’t even notice”) Believe me, I’m well aware that even though we’re swapping photos of our genitals on a daily basis, we’re still not at that honest point in our relationship. I’m still pretending to be the “cool chill girl” who “doesn’t care” or “isn’t bothered” by stuff like that. Enjoy it while it lasts sweetie. You’ve seen more of me than my gynecologist.
Bondage & Fetishes (is this 50 shades of Grey?)
I’m all for a little raunchy texting, if you like being called “daddy” hell, I’ll put those junior high summer acting camp classes to use and be the best “dirty little whore” you’ve ever seen. But I’m not out here trying to reenact an episode of Law & Order SVU. Telling me you want to choke me or cum on my face is by no means a turn on. I can’t even watch Titanic without holding my breath, the idea of restricting airflow or a potential breakout from your semen is not that arousing, Daddy.
Stay Warm Chicago!
XOXO,
Liz
Overheard in Chicago
No comments:
Post a Comment