"Don't Forget to Tag Me!" your glorified life on social media

An undignified account of female insanity on Instagram

 As you struggle to choose a filter with a witty caption for your 712 followers on your private instagram account, just know that we all do it. Posting a picture that has already been approved by your 13 closest friends in a group chat that they act as if they've never seen once it's posted on IG. Commenting fire emojis and immature sexual references that only females in their 20s can get away with. Questioning; Did you post at a good time? Why are there only 17 likes in 7 minutes? Should you take it down? Should you take a Xanax? Is instagram down?  What a time to be alive. Instagram is the most widely used social networking service in 2019. Home to influencers, celebrities, exes and narcissists alike.  

We all know them. The daily-selfie-posting, insta story "Ask me whatever, I'm bored" type girl. Providing us with an unrequested play by play of their daily glorified life as if they're Kim K. The self proclaimed influencer with 4,000 followers on their private instagram account that we can't bring ourselves to unfollow. Social Media is wild, you can portray or falsify anything you want. You can literally buy followers and likes and even comments. It's basically a sorority. You want your ex to think you're living your best life now that you're broken up? f*ck it, why not repost those Barbados pics from May 2018 you little jet setter! In bed by 8pm on a Saturday night?  search your camera roll, you've got some saved thirsty AF club pics for that.   

Editing Photos

I'm all for a little innocent touch up, but editing yourself to look like a double zero in your vacation pics when you're a solid Old Navy size 8 isa bit of a stretch sweetie. Who are these enabling friends of yours commenting "you look SO good here!" why is no one inquiring on the uneven tile from the waist edits that warped the floor? why is there no concern for the structure of the building. this is getting out of hand. Also, men's unawareness to female photo editing is obnoxious, (especially with their keen ability to eyeball a gram. we know you have that attention to detail ability.) Truthfully though, even some guys edit their pictures. I don't know a single Chicago club promoter that doesn't over use the teeth whitening feature or appear to have no pores in his photos. (sit down with your dewey complexion and white strips. we see you.) we're not coming to your club to sit at an overcrowded table with 17 other girls to share one bottle. a ration of vodka. but thanks, we appreciate the invite.

  

Instagram & Exe's

There are few things worse than going on instagram and deciding to watch your exe's story only to find that they literally posted it 37 seconds ago. Great job playing hard to get you little thirst bucket, there's no turning back now, f*ck it, might as well like those vacation pics you're still tagged in from 2016.  Instagram raises the bar for contacting exes, sliding in DMs and getting caught sliding in the DMs of exes. (full circle)

We all do it. Hoping he sees your instagram story and relieved when he finally does like it was some deliberate attempt to win you back. Majority of the time he just happens to be scrolling through instagram and clearing out his story feed while using the restroom or bored on the red line.   

Instagram is the perfect spot to stalk your exe's newest fling. Her insta is private? No problem, we all have a friend with a fake insta account to send her a follow request so we can all judge like mature adults. 

Trying to prove you’re a good person on Social Media

 Bible verses in your bio. We get it, you had a slutty phase in college, nothing a Proverb or John 3:16 in your bio is going to fix. I think it's a red flag when people have too many pictures of grandparents and extended family members in their feed to try and look family oriented. everyone loves their family. this is not ancestry.com...everyone’s held their cousin before, no need to flaunt it on social media. posting good deeds on your story. half the point of doing a good deed is doing it without recognition. if you're donating to cancer or feeding the homeless on your lunch break that's awesome, but let's refrain from a play by play. we get it, you give back, write it off in your taxes. also, who are these people posting insta stories at church? who do you even ask about their wifi password to get to this point? 

PSA: Things you can refrain from doing on Instagram

1. LA>NYC>CHI ...girls, you can stop including a timeline of your residency in your bio. we do not need a play by play of your change of address. this is not the postal service. we get it, you've moved. be sure to contact USPS and forward your address.

2. Buying Likes and Followers. I know you think people can't tell, but we can tell. How do you know so many people from Indonesia with 3-7 followers and zero posts? 

3. Pic Collages. It's 2019. Please stop trying to make these happen.

4. Bible verses in your bio. We get it, you had a slutty phase in college. Nothing a Proverb in your bio is going to fix.

5. Including the instagram handle of your significant other in your bio. We get it, someone cheated.  

6. Self proclaimed "modeling photos" ...Nothing says you’re going through a mid life crisis in need of attention like paying a sub par  “photographer” to take half naked modeling photos of you that you casually scatter along your instagram feed over a 12 month window with absurd inspirational quote captions that loosely relate to the boudoir photos. 

7. Posting Birthday or Mother's/Father's Day posts for a parent who doesn't even have social media and will never see it.