Before you send that third unanswered text to a man saved in your phone as “Do Not Answer”, hear me out. Break ups suck. There are few things worse than having your heart repeatedly stomped on by a man you once loved for years of your life and publicly posted overly staged laughing photos with on social media. We know you’re hurting and you thought this was going to last forever, but you’ve got something so much better waiting for you baby girl. So delete that Pinterest board of wedding ring inspiration (that thankfully your 17 year old sister showed you how to make private), block his number and get yourself a damn bumble. Your ex is most likely trolling on instagram sliding in the DMs of some 22 year old self proclaimed instagram model. (She’s seen your multiple “Hey Gorgeous” messages sir. She’s not interested.) I know when we’re heartbroken we tend to reminisce on the good times (like forehead kisses, sharing that $7 a month Netflix account and questioning every single girl he follows on social media like you don’t have their instagram handles memorized) but he’s an idiot for letting you go. Let’s take a moment to recall (and make fun of) the obnoxiously obvious red flags we ignored during our facebook official love affair with that as*hole.
Telling you what you Want to Hear
You genuinely cared about this man. You took the time to learn every little annoying thing about him and all he did was spoon feed you b.s. in hopes of clearing his guilty conscience and not having to pull out during sex. But rest assured that this will come in handy when you want to watch that new Jon Benet Ramsey documentary on HBO and need his log in credentials. Because who remembers his 7th grade school mascot and first pet’s name he used to make his password reset option? You do.
White lies are expected in the beginning of relationships. I can't tell you how many men I've told "I'm at the gym" early on to look fit and motivated when in reality I'm at home drinking wine and ordering grubhub by 5pm. But there's a fine line between little white lies and f*cking sociopath. I know you've creatively gotten this far, but I figure once you're caught in a lie, just own up to it. You know little things like; a wife you forgot to mention, living with your girlfriend in a studio apartment and making out with her in front of me, warrants out for your arrests, little things. If you can lie about those, you're an absolute psychopath and I look forward to your episode of dateline when your wife finally snaps. Maybe I'll even get an interview and we can put this relationship to use. #dreambig.
Hear me out, no girl is THAT crazy. I think every girl has their own breaking point and something definitely happened to get her to that point. Even at parts of "Gone Girl" I've been like, woah, this b*tch is f*cking nuts, but... I get it. If a girl is acting crazy to a guy, regardless of what he says, usually something happened to get her to that point. Now I'm not blaming the guy, because I've definitely been in the wrong or caught or reacted crazy to an entire scenario I've made up in my head, but on the contrary, I've also had legitimate reactions to legitimate Shaggy "caught me red handed wasn't me" scenarios. Like if you bring me back to your girlfriend's z gallery furnished studio apartment on our second date and claim it's yours, even though her mail is everywhere and it's only girl's clothes in the closet and you STILL deny even having a girlfriend...that's an area of concern. (and you better strap in for a 3 paragraph long dramatic as f*ck text message sir.) Naturally though, I of course justified it and convinced myself he was telling the truth and this "great guy" who was "helping her out and letting her stay with him in one of his two apartments until she got back on her feet" like he told me and I then proceeded to drag this on for a few more dramatic as f*ck months. That's the thing, women justify EVERYTHING, and when it's new you want to believe what they're saying is true because you have no reason not to. You can't doubt someone when they haven't given you reason to yet. (Yeah, I believed a fifth year college student owned two condos in the same building in River North. haha get the f*ck out of here.... enjoy your rental)
We had the privilege of working with the amazing duo of Menage-a-pod and being featured on their podcast episode about red flags (and yellow flags) This hysterical pair actually met on a dating app and make for the best duo to discuss sex, dating and relationships in Chicago! What do unqualified advice givers do? Start a podcast. What do single people do? Give relationship advice. That's how this podcast was born. Menage-a-Pod is a hilarious new podcast about dating, sex, relations and everything in between hosted by Gena Grish and TJ Sopoci.
Check out Menage-A-Pod Podcast!
Wasn't Me - Shaggy
White lies are expected in the beginning of relationships. I can't tell you how many men I've told "I'm at the gym" early on to look fit and motivated when in reality I'm at home drinking wine and ordering grubhub by 5pm. But there's a fine line between little white lies and f*cking sociopath. I know you've creatively gotten this far, but I figure once you're caught in a lie, just own up to it. You know little things like; a wife you forgot to mention, living with your girlfriend in a studio apartment and making out with her in front of me, warrants out for your arrests, little things. If you can lie about those, you're an absolute psychopath and I look forward to your episode of dateline when your wife finally snaps. Maybe I'll even get an interview and we can put this relationship to use. #dreambig.
His ex was "crazy"
Menage - A- Pod
Check out Menage-A-Pod Podcast!
Thanks so much for stopping by Chicago!
XOXO, Liz
Overheard in Chicago
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