Are people at Coachella unfamiliar with ferris wheels?

To preface the preconceived hostility of this post, it's currently 32 degrees and a legit blizzard in Chicago. it's also the middle of April. Chicago weather is about as inconsistent as your ex's mood swings when you ask her if she's mad or where she wants to go for dinner. So while your newsfeed is currently being bombarded with Coachella pics of staged Ferris wheel photo ops in warm weather with bedazzled hats and Molly induced happiness, what better excuse to rag on one of the greatest music festivals of our time?

Are people at Coachella unfamiliar with Ferris wheels?  

I've seen about 79 Ferris wheel pictures this weekend on instagram. Have people at Coachella not heard of the Ferris wheel? Arguably one of the most cliche representations of favorable childhood past times?  I'm sure there's at least one picture of you somewhere in your early adolescence at a Ferris wheel at Six Flags or some random shady parking lot in some self proclaimed small town carnival in the suburbs. You've got to imagine that a festival grossing over $114 million dollars has created some other, more iconic landmarks for an instagram driven weekend. But nope, flower walls can get f*cked, people are here for pics with that low budget carnival ride. Thankfully we can replicate this exact photo-op landscape right here in Chicago! Disregard a little snow, just put on a flower crown, pop a Molly and stand on your balcony overlooking navy pier. add to story. done.

We're just here for the food.

After an insomnia induced night of some 3am Instagram stalking and somehow landing on an uncomfortable ASMR food page, I recently learned about the AMAZING food menu at Coachella. Uncertain about the amount of people at this event actually consuming these food items though. I've seen the minuscule clothing options and BMI of majority of the audience here and uncertain these high calorie dishes pair well. not exactly room to hide your trouble areas in a crochet crop top. Perhaps more of a hungover day 3 option? Diuretics and Molly are probably a more realistic choice for day 1-2 if we're being honest? (regardless of what they portray on their instagram stories) Nonetheless, I've shamelessly saved an absurd amount of these food posts this weekend like I'm somehow going to magically appear in LA and try them all. dream big. tell my ex I'm still on Keto, thanks. 

Bandz a make her dance...or is that Molly?

Probably both. no judgement, but 3 day passes are like $400 for general admission so...

"Spontaneous" overpriced outfits (you've had picked out for 6 months.)

The saying "less is more" holds true here when it comes to amount of clothing you're wearing. Coachella is probably every pre pubescent 12 year old boy's dream come true. A ton of half naked women walking around a desert in bras and glitter. I don't even think shoes are a requirement here, let alone a bra support system. You're feeling yourself until you see an Influencer or D List celebrity walking around wearing the exact same outfit you have and looking way better knowing that they had a full hair and makeup team while you were left alone in your tent using your compact mirror and natural sun light to attempt to contour your face. Humbling experience. Bloggers looking better in the same REVOLVE clothing you purchased that they got for free along with 12 additional outfits just to tag on instagram. Straighten up that flower crown baby girl. fix those weird henna bedazzled gem things on your arm and face, and enjoy this 3 day experience! (or atleast portray that on instagram for your 724 followers!) we're back here bitter AF in Chicago amidst a blizzard. 

Fake it until you make it.  

It's like people at Coachella don't even realize that I can just crank up the heat in my Chicago apartment, French braid my hair, blast Zedd, take molly in a flower crown and post tons of obnoxious pics of the Ferris wheel at navy pier to my instagram story. I can even purchase an absurd amount of over priced clothing on FREE PEOPLE that I have no intention of wearing after this weekend. Maybe order high calorie food on grub hub that I have no intention of eating? My options are literally endless. But I'll be sure to reiterate just how much fun I had on all social media.

Stay warm Chicago,

XOXO,

Liz

Ghosting him like Google Maps on Lower Wacker

First off, Columbus found America on accident, so let’s relax with saying everyone understands directions, or how compasses work, or which way is East, or where the f*cking Lake is, ok?

When I say I'm bad at directions, I don't mean that in a stereotypical girl playing dumb, looking for attention "silly me" way. I mean it in the sense that I genuinely have no sense of direction and natural selection would have had its' way with me if I was born in any other generation before Google Maps. Geography has never been a strong point of mine, so if you’re easily annoyed by listening to someone complain about something that’s “so simple” to you, then by all means feel free to stop reading now, Einstein.

Ghosting him like GPS on lower wacker. 

It’s all fun and games until you’re on lower wacker and your GPS has an absolute mental breakdown and abruptly ends things like a high school boyfriend who got caught cheating. I did some research (and by that I mean I googled it) to see if there’s anything in the works to improve this. I found a few articles that all had the same info. All super excited like it was free healthcare, stating that in August 2018 Waze and SpotHero installed over 400 beacons along lower Wacker to help improve cell reception. Only take away from this is you need your bluetooth on, it’s still pretty sh*t reception, lots of angry comments from uber/lyft drivers and no further articles have been written addressing this concern. Safe to say, this issue has not been fixed at this time. 

Grid System

I get it, it’s a grid. But if I’m on Michigan Ave, my initial thought process is never, you know what this reminds me of, a checkers board, perhap a gingham dress shirt. No,  I’m like, this looks like Michigan Avenue, perhaps we can grab a Garrett’s popcorn tin on our way out. On that note, so I’m not forever listening to Google Maps in my airpods, (see what I casually did there haha)  I decided I’d finally learn it. After mentally telling everyone to f*ck off while reading each article’s opener telling me how easy and simple it was to learn, here’s what we got.  

“Chicago is laid out like a grid with the epicenter being at Madison and State. Each street is then labeled North, East, South, and West based on their relation to the heart of the grid system. The address, or coordinate, at Madison and State is 0/0.

From there, each city block address rises in increments of 100. Two blocks north of Madison and State would be 200 North Madison and so on and so forth.”

Which way is the lake?

To be fair, Chicago has the third largest amounts of sky scrapers in the entire United States. Unless I’m about to set sail or on Lake Shore Drive, how necessary is using the lake as a reference point? Why can’t I focus on other landmarks visible to me? Like RainForest Cafe or that weird strip club next to Prysm that is somehow still in business. What value is utilizing the lake that’s 7 city blocks away when 7-11 is right on the corner. I love that these instagram worthy wall murals are getting popular because they’re great reference points. “turn left after the avocado wall.” done. simple. Also, can someone please tell my dad to stop saying “Go West at ____ street.” It’s just annoying both of us, and even google maps is confused. I have no compass, I’m not out here trying to determine if the sun set’s in the east for my hours of sunlight to tend to my crops. Only person utilizing this information is realtors to up charge that gorgeous high rise.  I'm sure a lot of people born and raised in Chicago probably cringed reading this. But as a transplant, (who almost failed 9th grade geography) I owe a lot to google maps. (I love this city.)

Have a Great Day Chicago! Keep your location settings and bluetooth on!

XOXO,

Liz

Also, big shout out to our favorite people at Happy Camper for liking our quote so much they put it above their emergency exit hahaha We love you guys! If you haven't already, I highly recommend checking out Happy Camper. Pizza is amazing, awesome drinks and atmosphere, (lots of instagram worthy photo ops and neon signs) and just overall great people!  They're actually opening up a second location in Wrigley soon too! 

Check out Happy Camper

St. Paddy's Day in Chi Town

"Can't Drink All Day if You Don't Start in the Morning" 

...and other lies I tell myself on St. Patrick's Day as my alarm goes off at 6am.

March in Chicago is the best. It's that awkward time between "chiberia" and "summertime chi" where the weather is more inconsistent than your feelings towards your newly serious semi-boyfriend. Shamrock shakes are back, March Madness is on, we're dumping 45 pounds of green dye in the river as an excuse to get absolutely hammered- it's the best. It's probably the only time Guiness ever gets any love, (when have you ever gone out, not in Ireland and thought, you know what sounds good, a pitcher of Guiness. it's no joke probably your total caloric intake for the week.) but hey, why not mix it with Jameson and baileys and chug it before it curdles at 7am! what better way to start your st paddy's day off on an empty stomach!   

It's always hard to wake up early on a Saturday.  But when you're 21-23 and your $20 eventbrite St. Patrick's day bar crawl ticket is "first come first serve" starting at 6am, you've got decisions to make chief. So set 4-5 alarms on that cracked iPhone 7, find some cliche "feelin lucky" shirt on amazon prime and get ready for a day full of green beer and loose women visiting from out of state. (that most likely want to make that slogan on your shirt a reality instead of sleeping on their friend's blow up mattress.) 

 Dumping 45 pounds of green dye into the river? Sounds like an excuse to drink in Chicago.

 

Truthfully, I've never physically watched the river get dyed green on St Patrick's Day. (I know, I know...) I've always seen it after and I love it, but hear me out. I'm typically hammered by noon at some overpriced club I've been at since 7am and I'm pretty sure I'll see it on 95% of your instagram stories acting like you've never seen an oil spill before. Probably some "Luck of the CHIrish" caption that your 47 year old aunt will think you cleverly came up with on your own. It almost reminds me of people who record fireworks on fourth of July or their turkey on Thanksgiving. I think it's safe to assume we're all recording the same thing. Much like my ex's dating history, I was curious as to how this all started (and not just as an excuse to get hammered in March, but the tradition itself.)  Starting in 1962, the city of Chicago dyed its eponymous river green. The inspiration for the stunt came from pollution-control workers, who used various chemical dyes to trace illegal sewage discharges. The first year, the city dumped 100 pounds of dye into the river, which left it green for an entire week. (yeah that's straight from google, you think I just casually use the word "eponymous" in my day to day life? sit down. haha.) But cheers to drinking to the city's illegal sewage discharge! 

Shamrock Shuffle

People who run 5Ks on major holidays are the absolute worst. My greatest fear is marrying into a family that either makes us take Christmas photos in all matching footed pajamas, or run 5Ks on holidays. I'm all for health and wellness, but not out here trying to run some "Shamrock Shuffle" in the suburbs on the greatest drinking day of the year in Chicago. Trust me, my drunk ass will hit 10,000 steps on my own.  

St Patrick's Day Attire

Let’s take a moment to discuss the attire people electively chose to wear on St. Patrick’s Day. First off, every girl’s go-to is some Irish themed green tank top they got off etsy. And every girl thinks their low cut graphic tee with some obnoxious “feeling lucky?” Or “kiss me I’m Irish” related phrase is witty and beyond original. Please know it was mass produced. (I also have purchased most of these designs, so not calling you out. They’re witty AF and I can’t wait for my ex to see how funny I am!)  Also let’s relax with those little shamrock stickers near our eyes, this is not a 7th grade YMCA dance. Women over 40 should not be sporting any type of attire with glittery shamrocks drawing attention to their chest. (“check out these shamrocks” …maybe in 2005.) Let's maybe also stop making those green arm warmers happen. the look straight off the set of the robber's wardrobe from home alone. is it truly that cold tomorrow that you need to cover only your wrists and palms?  Most men are just content to wear anything that is green, but there are always the few that ran up an $100 bill at RagStop or Tipsy Elves getting the most obnoxious attire that they think everyone will think is “hilarious”. In all honesty, it does make them easier to spot if you drunk lose them at a bar, I doubt there are many men in that vicinity in the same green top hat, orange wig, light up shamrock classes and green overalls. 

Events in Chicago

Click Here to get your Tickets for Chi20something River North Bar Crawl 

Click Here to get your Public House Tickets

Click Here to get your CHIRISH River North Club Crawl Tickets 

Click Here to Get Your CHIRISH River North Club Crawl Tickets OPTION 2

Click Here to Get Your Federales Tickets

Click here to get your tickets for LIQR BOX

Click Here to Check out Hampton Social and Bassment - No Tickets Needed! 

You're going to have a blast here regardless of what you do here, promise! But, if you waited til the last minute and you're stressing about what to do on Saturday, don't worry. you're basically 50% of Chicago. So take a Xanax,  watch one of those weird ass ASMR food videos, and know we've got you covered with a ton of options.  Above are some of our favs, but for more options, (and we've got a bunch!) go to eventbrite.com and search St Patrick's Day Chicago. So have a blast Chicago; Drink too much green beer, drunk text your ex, overuse those little shamrock stickers above your eyes like you're going to an 8th grade school dance, and have a fucking blast in the greatest city that ever was! (not sponsored by Rahm.) 

XOXO,

Liz

Overheard in Chicago

"Don't Forget to Tag Me!" your glorified life on social media

An undignified account of female insanity on Instagram

 As you struggle to choose a filter with a witty caption for your 712 followers on your private instagram account, just know that we all do it. Posting a picture that has already been approved by your 13 closest friends in a group chat that they act as if they've never seen once it's posted on IG. Commenting fire emojis and immature sexual references that only females in their 20s can get away with. Questioning; Did you post at a good time? Why are there only 17 likes in 7 minutes? Should you take it down? Should you take a Xanax? Is instagram down?  What a time to be alive. Instagram is the most widely used social networking service in 2019. Home to influencers, celebrities, exes and narcissists alike.  

We all know them. The daily-selfie-posting, insta story "Ask me whatever, I'm bored" type girl. Providing us with an unrequested play by play of their daily glorified life as if they're Kim K. The self proclaimed influencer with 4,000 followers on their private instagram account that we can't bring ourselves to unfollow. Social Media is wild, you can portray or falsify anything you want. You can literally buy followers and likes and even comments. It's basically a sorority. You want your ex to think you're living your best life now that you're broken up? f*ck it, why not repost those Barbados pics from May 2018 you little jet setter! In bed by 8pm on a Saturday night?  search your camera roll, you've got some saved thirsty AF club pics for that.   

Editing Photos

I'm all for a little innocent touch up, but editing yourself to look like a double zero in your vacation pics when you're a solid Old Navy size 8 isa bit of a stretch sweetie. Who are these enabling friends of yours commenting "you look SO good here!" why is no one inquiring on the uneven tile from the waist edits that warped the floor? why is there no concern for the structure of the building. this is getting out of hand. Also, men's unawareness to female photo editing is obnoxious, (especially with their keen ability to eyeball a gram. we know you have that attention to detail ability.) Truthfully though, even some guys edit their pictures. I don't know a single Chicago club promoter that doesn't over use the teeth whitening feature or appear to have no pores in his photos. (sit down with your dewey complexion and white strips. we see you.) we're not coming to your club to sit at an overcrowded table with 17 other girls to share one bottle. a ration of vodka. but thanks, we appreciate the invite.

  

Instagram & Exe's

There are few things worse than going on instagram and deciding to watch your exe's story only to find that they literally posted it 37 seconds ago. Great job playing hard to get you little thirst bucket, there's no turning back now, f*ck it, might as well like those vacation pics you're still tagged in from 2016.  Instagram raises the bar for contacting exes, sliding in DMs and getting caught sliding in the DMs of exes. (full circle)

We all do it. Hoping he sees your instagram story and relieved when he finally does like it was some deliberate attempt to win you back. Majority of the time he just happens to be scrolling through instagram and clearing out his story feed while using the restroom or bored on the red line.   

Instagram is the perfect spot to stalk your exe's newest fling. Her insta is private? No problem, we all have a friend with a fake insta account to send her a follow request so we can all judge like mature adults. 

Trying to prove you’re a good person on Social Media

 Bible verses in your bio. We get it, you had a slutty phase in college, nothing a Proverb or John 3:16 in your bio is going to fix. I think it's a red flag when people have too many pictures of grandparents and extended family members in their feed to try and look family oriented. everyone loves their family. this is not ancestry.com...everyone’s held their cousin before, no need to flaunt it on social media. posting good deeds on your story. half the point of doing a good deed is doing it without recognition. if you're donating to cancer or feeding the homeless on your lunch break that's awesome, but let's refrain from a play by play. we get it, you give back, write it off in your taxes. also, who are these people posting insta stories at church? who do you even ask about their wifi password to get to this point? 

PSA: Things you can refrain from doing on Instagram

1. LA>NYC>CHI ...girls, you can stop including a timeline of your residency in your bio. we do not need a play by play of your change of address. this is not the postal service. we get it, you've moved. be sure to contact USPS and forward your address.

2. Buying Likes and Followers. I know you think people can't tell, but we can tell. How do you know so many people from Indonesia with 3-7 followers and zero posts? 

3. Pic Collages. It's 2019. Please stop trying to make these happen.

4. Bible verses in your bio. We get it, you had a slutty phase in college. Nothing a Proverb in your bio is going to fix.

5. Including the instagram handle of your significant other in your bio. We get it, someone cheated.  

6. Self proclaimed "modeling photos" ...Nothing says you’re going through a mid life crisis in need of attention like paying a sub par  “photographer” to take half naked modeling photos of you that you casually scatter along your instagram feed over a 12 month window with absurd inspirational quote captions that loosely relate to the boudoir photos. 

7. Posting Birthday or Mother's/Father's Day posts for a parent who doesn't even have social media and will never see it.  

Red Flags We Ignore During Relationships

Before you send that third unanswered text to a man saved in your phone as “Do Not Answer”, hear me out. Break ups suck. There are few things worse than having your heart repeatedly stomped on by a man you once loved for years of your life and publicly posted overly staged laughing photos with on social media. We know you’re hurting and you thought this was going to last forever, but you’ve got something so much better waiting for you baby girl. So delete that Pinterest board of wedding ring inspiration (that thankfully your 17 year old sister showed you how to make private), block his number and get yourself a damn bumble. Your ex is most likely trolling on instagram sliding in the DMs of some 22 year old self proclaimed instagram model. (She’s seen your multiple “Hey Gorgeous” messages sir. She’s not interested.) I know when we’re heartbroken we tend to reminisce on the good times (like forehead kisses, sharing that $7 a month Netflix account and questioning every single girl he follows on social media like you don’t have their instagram handles memorized) but he’s an idiot for letting you go. Let’s take a moment to recall (and make fun of) the obnoxiously obvious red flags we ignored during our facebook official love affair with that as*hole.

Telling you what you Want to Hear 

You genuinely cared about this man. You took the time to learn every little annoying thing about him and all he did was spoon feed you b.s. in hopes of clearing his guilty conscience and not having to pull out during sex. But rest assured that this will come in handy when you want to watch that new Jon Benet Ramsey documentary on HBO and need his log in credentials. Because who remembers his 7^th grade school mascot and first pet’s name he used to make his password reset option? You do.

Wasn't Me - Shaggy

White lies are expected in the beginning of relationships. I can't tell you how many men I've told "I'm at the gym" early on to look fit and motivated when in reality I'm at home drinking wine and ordering grubhub by 5pm. But there's a fine line between little white lies and f*cking sociopath. I know you've creatively gotten this far, but I figure once you're caught in a lie, just own up to it. You know little things like; a wife you forgot to mention, living with your girlfriend in a studio apartment and making out with her in front of me, warrants out for your arrests, little things. If you can lie about those, you're an absolute psychopath and I look forward to your episode of dateline when your wife finally snaps. Maybe I'll even get an interview and we can put this relationship to use. #dreambig. 

His ex was "crazy"

Hear me out, no girl is THAT crazy. I think every girl has their own breaking point and  something definitely happened to get her to that point. Even at parts of "Gone Girl" I've been like, woah, this b*tch is f*cking nuts, but... I get it. If a girl is acting crazy to a guy, regardless of what he says, usually something happened to get her to that point. Now I'm not blaming the guy, because I've definitely been in the wrong or caught or reacted crazy to an entire scenario I've made up in my head, but on the contrary, I've also had legitimate reactions to legitimate Shaggy "caught me red handed wasn't me" scenarios. Like if you bring me back to your girlfriend's z gallery furnished studio apartment on our second date and claim it's yours, even though her mail is everywhere and it's only girl's clothes in the closet and you STILL deny even having a girlfriend...that's an area of concern. (and you better strap in for a 3 paragraph long dramatic as f*ck text message sir.) Naturally though, I of course justified it and convinced myself he was telling the truth and this "great guy" who was  "helping her out and letting her stay with him in one of his two apartments until she got back on her feet" like he told me and I then proceeded to drag this on for a few more dramatic as f*ck months. That's the thing, women justify EVERYTHING, and when it's new you want to believe what they're saying is true because you have no reason not to. You can't doubt someone when they haven't given you reason to yet.  (Yeah, I believed a fifth year college student owned two condos in the same building in River North. haha get the f*ck out of here.... enjoy your rental) 

Menage - A- Pod

We had the privilege of working with the amazing duo of Menage-a-pod and being featured on their podcast episode about red flags (and yellow flags) This hysterical pair actually met on a dating app and make for the best duo to discuss sex, dating and relationships in Chicago! What do unqualified advice givers do? Start a podcast. What do single people do? Give relationship advice. That's how this podcast was born. Menage-a-Pod is a hilarious new podcast about dating, sex, relations and everything in between hosted by Gena Grish and TJ Sopoci. 


Check out Menage-A-Pod Podcast!

Thanks so much for stopping by Chicago!

XOXO, Liz

Overheard in Chicago

Winters in Chiberia

The current temperature is negative two degrees. As you impatiently wait in your heated lobby you zip up your Canada Goose parka and Screenshot the weekly weather report to your Instagram story with some cliche “Chiberia” hashtag. You put on your oversized fur hood acting as if you’re blistering the cold any further than the distance to your Uber. Your Uber arrives. 4 minutes to your destination. No f*cking way you’re walking. Tomorrow will be 50 degree patio weather and by Friday there will be a windchill of negative twenty. Welcome to winters in Chicago.

Sit down, you’re not Tom Skilling.

What is it about extremely cold weather that makes everyone become a self proclaimed meteorologist? posting thermostats and weekly weather reports on every social media outlet like you’re God damn Tom Skilling. We get it, it’s cold. No need to circle the windchill or dedicate an entire story post to falling snow. Unless it’s some absurd amount, I’m talking like 2 feet of snow, (and not what your ex boyfriend considers 7 inches) there is really no need to post it. We’ve all seen snow. just know you’re wasting precious bathroom time of 99% of the male population who actually watch instagram stories. And they can never get those 5-10 seconds back. 

Take me Back Bikini Pics

As an attention seeking millennial, what better time to re post your favorite edited bikini pic from Mykonos with a “dreaming of warmer weather” caption than during a Chicago blizzard. Might as well utilize this time to flex on your exes in a desperate display of self exploitation from when you were at your goal weight 7 months ago. He doesn’t need to know what your current winter BMI is. This is a season dedicated entirely to oversized sweaters, overeating, new Netflix season premiers and spray tans.  

Squatters Rights

Unique to Chicago, is the “dibs” system of street parking in the winter. “Dibs” is a legitimate but controversial squatters rights type practice based on the principal of if you shovel it out; you have dibs on it, …so you better f*cking find some lawn chairs or old car tires to claim your spot while you’re gone for your 8 plus hours work day you self absorbed narcissist. People refer to this practice as parking spot insurance, no questions are asked. Looks trashy AF when you’re showing your out of town friends the neighborhood you live in and trying to justify the $1900 a month you pay for your apartment that is a fraction of the size of theirs in a different state. 

45 Degrees in February... You mean Patio Season?

If you’re not poolside in your Givenchy slides making brunch plans when that thermostat shows above 40, do you even live in Chicago? 


Stay Warm Chicago!

XOXO, 
Liz

Send Nudes

An Undignified Account of Sexting.

I sent my first actual dirty picture when I was a sophomore in college. I was standing on the edge of the tub in a bathroom shared by 6 girls trying to show anything remotely close to cleavage in the mirror above the sink. 70% of the picture was of the shower curtain and honestly our landlord could have probably used the photo when relisting our house on craigslist in search of new tenants. It was by no means sexual. If anything, I probably looked slightly in distress and frankly, the receiver of this semi-nude should have been more concerned. 

He gave some barbaric one word response like “damn” or “sexy” and naturally, I responded with a wink face, like I hadn’t just spent the last hour and a half trying to look remotely seductive in a communal restroom with bad lighting. When you stop and think about it, the idea of nudes and dirty texting is seriously such a strange concept. Like oh, you’re not looking for commitment but will graciously send me multiple photos of your flaccid penis that can be saved to my phone’s picture library and family iCloud for eternity and shared with all my friends. Thanks! Let me return the favor with this edited picture of me in a push up bra suggestively looking into the mirror at 7pm on a Tuesday. Let me tell you something, no woman in her twenties is just casually in full makeup and risqué undergarments on a weekday after work. I’m lucky if I still have a bra on at 5pm, let alone mascara. 

In my opinion, guys really have it easy. There’s only so much you can do with a penis. No creativity is really needed. Unless you’re an aspiring drag queen or pulling some Silence of the Lamb’s mangina reenactment, you’re typically limited to about 4 poses. I know because I’ve so fortunately been on the receiving end of these photo ops or have had screen shots of them sent in a group chat to immaturely question and gawk over. Please explain the erect penis while cupping the balls in your hands pose?? Did you think we just forgot about your pair of testicles? We all took 7th Grade Sex Ed sweetie. Appreciate the strenuous efforts to hide them, but no need. We all wish they were more photogenic, but this will keep you humble. Also what is the pose where you point at your erect penis in the mirror? Were you uncertain what to do with your hands? Did you think our short attention span was unaware of what we were meant to focus on in this 5X7 photo? Perhaps this can dual function as a testicular cancer awareness campaign. While we appreciate the discerning hint from your pointing gesture, save the obvious clues for something a little less apparent, like your emotions or perhaps if this is going anywhere after 6 months.

Reusing Old Nudes (It's not vintage, it's denial.)

Even if it’s a phenomenal dirty picture from before your metabolism slowed down, you can’t be sending seductive photos while holding a 2014 iphone. (it’s not vintage, it’s denial.) While I’m sure he will recognize your low BMI and bronzed tanning booth complexion, he is most likely also aware you no longer live in a State School dorm room or sleep in that twin bed you’re enticingly posing on. Save the old college pics for a Facebook Throwback Thursday.

#tbt are truly the worst. If you really feel the need to send a general reminder to your entire social medial following of a picture from 6 years ago at your goal weight holding a solo cup in some Frat house’s basement, by all means have at it. But as a general FYI; we get it, you no longer have a social life and you peaked your freshman year of college. I mean I’ll obviously still pity like your photo, might even add an obnoxious comment like “I miss this!” with heart emojis. Just please know that I do not in fact miss this and am most likely only doing this with the notion that this kind gesture will not go unnoticed the next time I post a picture that only has 8 likes after 37 minutes. Narcissist.

Quick Responses. Drastically increase response time with a semi suggestive photo!

If for some God forsaken reason unbeknownst to me I was ever going to use a male for an emergency contact, I would 100% ask if they could include a nude photo to increase his response time. I’ve never seen a man respond faster than after a dirty photo is sent. (I have still yet to send a pregnancy scare text but can assume the response time would be quite similar. That or no response at all.) Perhaps I’ll just send a venmo request for Plan B to keep things interesting. It still blows my mind that a man can be “so busy” or “didn’t have his phone all day” but the second he sees “Attachment: 1” in the subject line, he’s full of conversation. Level with me here, I just asked how your day was, I did not send a “what are we?” text, or question who that girl was that commented on your Instagram picture with emoji hearts on July 9th summer 2016. (I “didn’t even notice”) Believe me, I’m well aware that even though we’re swapping photos of our genitals on a daily basis, we’re still not at that honest point in our relationship. I’m still pretending to be the “cool chill girl” who “doesn’t care” or “isn’t bothered” by stuff like that. Enjoy it while it lasts sweetie. You’ve seen more of me than my gynecologist.

Bondage & Fetishes (is this 50 shades of Grey?)

I’m all for a little raunchy texting, if you like being called “daddy” hell, I’ll put those junior high summer acting camp classes to use and be the best “dirty little whore” you’ve ever seen. But I’m not out here trying to reenact an episode of Law & Order SVU. Telling me you want to choke me or cum on my face is by no means a turn on. I can’t even watch Titanic without holding my breath, the idea of restricting airflow or a potential breakout from your semen is not that arousing, Daddy.

Stay Warm Chicago!

XOXO,

Liz

Overheard in Chicago